The Human  Body is a Frail Thing but the Human Spirit is Relentless

                                                                                                                                                                       Scott Stricklin  August 2004

 

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE AND  NEVER SAY DIE

                                                  

An Early Perspective late 2005

I am a Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma survivor but I have never defined myself by my lymphoma. I have always seen my lymphoma as an invader that didn't belong, an interloper that I was determined to forever annihilate. When I was sick told very few about it. Not because I was ashamed of it but because I didn’t want people to have pity on me or feel sorry for me. I believed in my inner strength to survive. That inner strength was and continues to be enough. After I reached remission there was the families response to what I had endured. I had survived a serious and major surgery and I had achieved complete remission from cancer. The family thought that I should be thrilled… Right! According to my family I should just be happy to be alive. I was that, but they didn’t really "get it". To me something was still a miss, life was just "not quite right" anymore. There was a terror and the memories of what I had lived through and that always seemed to be with me. I was beginning to wonder if that feeling would ever change? I couldn't find a way to accept what had happened to the life that  had once known.

This went on for several months and then one morning I woke up with a different perspective. I don't know how it happened, but I finally realized that while I had had lymphoma, nothing else was really that much different then before I was diagnosed. While  there had been physical and emotional changes in the way that I looked at things overall -on the grand scheme of things- nothing that really mattered to me had really changed. The people that I loved before my illness still loved me. I still had my job-more fun than work. And I still had my friends. Other than the emotional and physical hell that I had endured life was pretty much the same. Normal was still there I just had to look a bit harder to find it.
 

Before I was diagnosed with lymphoma I had casually thought about the fact that I was at some point going to die. I had survived lymphoma and nearly died in surgery and I now really understood deaths finality. Before my diagnosis dying was all just a hypothetical thing that was going to happen to me sometime and somewhere. After being diagnosed with cancer, having chemo and surgery I had a different understanding. That understanding was that at some point reaching the end of life was the only true reality. However, dealing with that reality in a sane manner is the real trick. 

 

A Later Perspective late 2006


When I was in chemo I though that when I heard the words "complete remission" that would be the end of it and all would be right with the world. I have heard those words and all was not right. Being a Cancer Survivor is a very complex proposition. There are the family and friends that think that because you have survived you should just be happy to be alive. They will never understand what you have been through. They will never get that your life will never be the same. All the love that they have for you won’t help them understand. They mean well so accept their love and don’t expect anything more. Love them back and find your own understanding within yourself. You will feel anger you will feel violated and you will worry about relapse that is all a part of being a survivor. You can never go back to what you had before your diagnosis so you must move forward. Your life and your future is what you make it.

I have been doing some talk therapy with a therapist that deals with cancer survivors. It has been helpful to talk about the last two and a half years. Through our discussions about my lymphoma experience I now look at life like a road trip. It’s a road trip where I can go anywhere and do anything. I can worry I can not worry I can be up or I can be down all things are possible and all things are my decision. When you’re on a road trip like that you should take advantage and enjoy the great scenery. Enjoy the scenery and don’t worry about the bridge across the river 2500 miles down the road. Now that bridge 2500 miles down the road may be out but there is no point in worrying about it being out until I get there .I will worry about getting across that bridge when I get to it. Likewise, during my current road trip with life after NHL I may find myself stressed about scans or worrying about a relapse. As of today those things haven’t happened and so they are like the bridge way down the road. Should I have a bad scan and relapse then I will cross that bridge when I have to. By looking at my concerns this way I am finding a better acceptance of my situation and that is helping me to live a better life.

I have a family, some friends, a job and a pretty good life. I do the most I can to focus on that and be involved the experiences of daily living. However, that not to say that I still don't get anise around scan time or before an Oncologist visit. At the same time I know that what ever bad health crap may be coming it will take care of itself. Today I understand that in the end, I have no control over the finality of my life. Therefore, I should do the most with what I have today.

In life, bad things happen to all of us. Sometime there isn’t any reason for it and why it happened doesn’t make sense. I could spend the rest of my life being angry about having had NHL and asking "why me”? I could do that but where would that really get me? I could spend every minute of every day worrying about bad scans and relapse but my worry won’t stop a relapse from happening. The cold hard truth is that we are all going to die from something. I now think that dealing with that reality is what is at the root of some of the emotional stuff that many dealing with NHL feel.

November 2006

 

February 2008 A New Perspective: A possibly controversial point of view

So I will be a 4 year cancer survivor this coming June. I have been in remission now for 3 years 3 months. I am feeling good ,but the last 4 years has indeed been a long and winding road. There was a time when all I could do was worry, think and be consumed with fear about relapsing. That was before I took some time and finally figured out that worry about relapse is a really big waste of time. Worry won't stop a relapse or change a thing having to do with my life's final outcome. The truth is that worrying about what is coming in the months ahead is useless. It does nothing to lift you up and it cheats you today out of enjoying your remission time. Remission should be a grateful time that filled with joy. Worry is a thief that steals that joyful time in the here and now. Worry about what ones health will be down the road is futile. I am healthy today and that is enough.

So that brings me to a new beginning. A place where I am conscious of what I have been through and what may still be coming somewhere down the road. I am conscious of what is at stake-my life-,but I am no longer obsessed and consumed with trying to or wanting to control the outcome. I have finally arrived at a place where I have learned keep myself out of it and just let it roll. I am grateful for today and with that comes the sense that the smallest thing that I do is somehow a happy thing. It took a lot of therapy, introspection and prayer to see that but I think that the time that I spent was worth it. Beyond worry there is a place that is peaceful and glad. It is a place that I think can only be reached through acceptance. Complete acceptance of the fact that I have an incurable disease-SLL-. Accepting and understanding that the body is a frail thing but the human Spirit is relentless. Accepting and coming to terms with the fact that in the end there is no hope for me or anybody else to survive forever. This has brought me a grounded sense that I think can only come with the acceptance of ones finality. I now think that unless one can make peace with the finality of it all then one will be trapped in an endless cycle of fear and anxiety. Letting go of oneself and ones mortality is I think a big step. Being diagnosed with NHL puts one in true touch with the fact that life does in fact have an end to it. We always knew it in our head that there was an end somewhere someday. With our diagnosis, we are confronted with the thought that my life could really end. Accepting that should not be not frightening but freeing. Like the last chapter in a great novel we should enjoy every thing that we do.

What I am saying here does not mean that if you are relapsed you cant fight for remission, or if you are sick cant hope and fight for better days. This only means that I have made peace with my mortality and I have come to accept the fact that there is a final outcome that I will in the end lose. By accepting that I am free to live today with out regret, fear and anxiety. There is really nothing in between me and what is life.

Hope you are well ...let it roll...down the road

 

BACK